Rebekah Pearl Anast Part Three-Life After Marriage

This article will be slightly different then the previous two. Although I am still using her own quotes to highlight Rebekah Pearl Anast's life, I am not following a specific chronological order. For the most parts these quotes can be found on a site called WWW.7XSunday.net which she and her hubby run.

Since her marriage, Rebekah has moved to a Navajo Reservation outside of Gallup, New Mexico. The couple have six children named, Joseph Courage, Ryshoni Joy, Hannah Sunshine,Elijah Music and Chaiyah Eve. In addition to 7xsunday, Rebekah runs a site called Dreaming Awake in which she details the dreams that she has about a apocolyptical future for our country. Together she and her husband also run another forum called Urban Exodus.

Rebekah and her husband, Gabe, had a much greater part in Debbi Pearl's book, Created to Be His HelpMeet then I had thought. This is from a thread on 7xsunday. Debbi Pearl seems to be the author of this acknowledgment.

My son-in-law Gabriel Anast and my daughter Rebekah Joy Anast gave me the idea and much of the information for the section on the three types of men, which made understanding men so much simpler. Beka also provided examples, ideas, and Scripture included in the other parts of this book. I consider her co-author of this book.

In a plea for money from the followers of his site, her husband writes:

However, recently, since February, I have been studying full time. I have not been working anymore. All I’ve been doing is studying the Word. And I did that because I think God told me to. It’s not because I wanted to... it really scared me. And we were really poor for those months. And a handful of people have supported us here and there by giving us a bag of wheat or food a few dollars. And that’s fine... And we’re happy to live poor. We’ve done that our whole married life, Rebekah and I. We’re good at it. And I should say more or less; we haven’t always lived as poor as we are now, we certainly have had more money in the past, but that is not the point, I’m just going through the situation...

As the sole provider for his family, it would seem that Gabe Anast would not want to voluntarily surrender his income. When he wrote his plea, Rebekah was pregnant with their sixth child. Neither parent appear to have held any paying job during her pregnancy.

Later in a thread entitled, How Is Beka, Rebekah confirms that the family is without electricity.
Gabe's quote of my statement "the kids need clothes" has to be put into American context. Nobody is running around naked. Yeah, so what the electricity got cut off (in the summer). We cooked outside and had a big time doing it. Gabe takes our needs to heart because he wants to give me everything; and does give me all that matters.

During previous pregnancies she self medicated with herbal treatments. What follows is her opinion on the preeclampsia which she believed that she was experiencing with her other five pregnancies.

The short version is that I believe preeclampsia is a condition that is secondary to inflammation (at least, in my case.) During my last pregnancy I used Bilberry tonic to control it, and even reverse it to some extent until the baby was born. There is a thread on WTM on dealing with preeclampsia on which I posted some of the research.

As someone who loves to write, the following saddens me for Rebekah. Apparently, her husband can choose to take time off from supporting his family, but she can not engage in an activity that she enjoys. Even worse are her references to her husband as her Lord.

http://www.7xsunday.net/forum/index.php/topic,21637.30.html

In fact, if your worship of God IN ANY WAY short-changes your husband or son, or makes them feel shut out, then IMO, it is not in spirit and in truth. This, I believe, includes time "writing to God" when your husband is sitting beside you. :-\Remember that your husband is your lord. Would you write about your King's bad temper whilest he sat on the throne watching you and frowning?

I know that in my own life, I would have to be majorly sleep deprived to maintain the American idea of "time alone with God" and meet my family's needs. I have learned to subscribe to Christ's version of a good Devotion and worship God in spirit and in truth wherever I am, all day long. This also helps me stay cheerful, because my time of devotion to God is over all and in all that I do. Not that I am perfect, but this is what I am fighting for and trying to attain every day.

Also, if your writing (like mine) alienates your family, you may have to lay it down completely. I love to write. It is my favorite thing in the world... second to my family. If writing about them, or about anything, makes them feel second, or in a waiting line for my attention, or like I am telling on them... then I quit. I don't write about my family these days. I don't keep a diary like I did all my life and for the last 2 years I haven't written much at all except for an occasional post on WTM or 7XS at my husband's request... Soon my family will be grown, and my writing days will bloom again. But I know I won't regret laying aside the pen/keyboard for these few years.

Now remember... count the mistakes you haven't made. God bless your journey forward!

I do not have any problems with women choosing to give birth at home if they are under the care of a qualified professional. On another site called, WellTell me, Rebekah posts under the name, Forever Girl. This quote is number fifteen in the thread.

http://www.welltellme.com/discuss/index.php/topic,353.0.html

Now, I have had 4 "unassisted" homebirths. It did save us 20,000 dollars all told, and has been a thrilling and bonding experience for both my husband and I. With just the two of us, I feel free to pray out loud at the top of my voice (or scream as the case may be), *dress* comfortably, do whatever is comfortable, and be in my own surroundings. If I had a medical condition, we'd make the appropriate adjustments.
Since writing this on February 24, 2007, Rebekah has had two more children. It appears that all six of her children have been unassisted home births.

In this statement Rebekah Anast takes passive aggressive rudeness to an entirely new level. A mother had asked how to handle a set of parents who refused to listen to her advice to follow the Pearls' training methods. This is Forevergirl's(Rebekah's) answer.

It is our policy, when bombarded by foolish people, to pull together as a family. We keep our kids with us. We tell them why. I do not engage in personal or entertaining conversation with the woman. I stay close to my husband and children and focus entirely on meeting his needs, and keeping my own children orderly. I read books to them quietly. If the woman asks me a question, I answer briefly and cheerfully, and go back to my "duty." If she engages in being a mother and help meet... then I interact with her and help if she needs help. If her focus is on herself and getting me to focus on her, then I disengage and go back to focusing purely on my family. If we are at a playground, then I play with the children... staying with them at all times.

This makes "hanging out" very pleasant for a woman whose goal is to be a help meet... it makes hanging out miserable for a woman whose goal is to get attention. She won't want to come back.

We also try to meet at a public place and keep it short... and do not engage in conversations that are pointless and erred. We don't disagree or fight, we just cease to engage

Can you imagine being treated this way by someone whose house you were visiting? Jesus met with prostitutes and tax collectors but Rebekah won't talk with a woman with unruly kids.

Rebekah seems to have absorbed her father’s irrational fear of homosexuals. This is what she claims to tell her very young children about homosexuals.

This answer comes with as much of an answer as I CAN give:
"Sodomites are men that like other men instead of women... like sleeping with each other... and women that like other women. Sometimes they dress as a woman instead of a man... not the way God created them. Sometimes they also want little kids instead of a regular wife. This is very evil. It is safest for you to stay away from them and stay near Daddy. God hates their sin and destroyed a whole city with fire because of all the sodomites that lived there."

This is said without much emotion, but with gravity. It is my intention to answer curiosity and dispel fear...

In an effort to prevent her from feeling competitive with her six year old daughter, Rebekah notes that she remembers that everything belongs to her husband. (DH means Dear Husband)

It really helped me to remind myself "this kitchen belongs to DH, the food belongs to DH, the meal is all about DH, and both me and our daughter are helpers for DH..."

With this in mind I can tell my daughter "yes, you can cook dinner for Dad. Remember he likes everything cleaned up as you go... let me know if you need any help." In this way, my daughter has a focus: Dad. She is learning to please a man, not herself. She is learning to be a help meet - not just a cook.

Also, in this way my daughter has the freedom to grow and mature as a woman that is learning to please a man... rather than a girl who is a slave to her mother. She isn't my helper - she's Daddy's helper. This perspective will make a girl WAY happier to stay at home longer... not in such a hurry to get married.

I thought that Christians were not supposed to have idols and yet Rebekah does sound as if she is advocating a type of husband worship. Her fear that she might one day be jealous of her daughter is troubling also. The little girl is only six!

On a strange note, Rebekah and Gabe have were sued by the Zuni Indian Tribe of the Navajo Nation over water rights. I have no idea what happened with the case or why the Anasts are allowed to live on the reservation.

http://www.zunibasin.com/documents/2142.pdf

The Pearls point to their children as examples of the adults that their methods will produce. Yet, Rebekah does not seem like the type of person that I would want my children to emulate. Not only does she appear paranoid but I wonder if she is suffering from postpartum depression. I find it difficult to believe that loving parents would want this future for their children.

I apologize for being late in getting this information up but sometimes digging for the information on this group leaves me feeling emotionally worn out.

Rebekah's Form Letter.

Here is Rebekah's form letter. I wrote some comments about it, if you want to read them, my post follows this letter.


My name is Rebekah Anast, I am the firstborn daughter of Michael and Debi Pearl,
I would know (I am their daughter) whether their techniques are violent and unjust, or loving and temperate. I would know if the result is an emotionally damaged and fearful child, or a creative, successful, happy adult. I would know, yes, better than any one of these angry people, whether Michael and Debi Pearl are barbaric child abusers, or loving, successful parents.

Every type of abuse leaves evidence to prove its occurrence, whether it be a mark on the spirit or the body. Let me give you the evidence that is me:

I am 32 years old, married and the mother of three children. I am the happiest person I know, and my life is full of fruit; my own three very happy, balanced children who are completely sound in body and mind.

I have written articles, books, screenplays, and traveled the world for 4 years, meeting new people, eating new food, ministering to those in need, and loving life. I always returned to my favorite place and my favorite people... my family.

I married a wonderful man who is worth every moment of reverence and honor I give him; he is my best friend and only lover.

I have very few bad memories of childhood, all of which I can recall clearly; my dog dying, my hand getting cut on a fresh pine board, my brother being stung by bees, and my father’s grief over a friend’s suffering. That’s all that I can recall.

I remember only one spanking. I remember it because I laughed all the way through it, and so did my Dad. I had played a prank that was dangerous, but funny, and fully deserved a spanking for it, but my parents were unable to spank me without laughing. That is the only spanking I clearly remember. The others were so well-deserved my conscience was able to write off the memory once the deed was paid for.

I was never injured in body or spirit by the training I received. I was never “struck” in anger. I did receive non-injurous spankings on my fully clothed backside with a willow switch when I had clearly transgressed a known “law” of the house. These spankings did not leave bruises or abrasions, or emotional distress.

I learned by the gentlest way possible that foolishness has consequences and wise choices make life comfortable. This training has literally saved my life and I am eternally grateful to both my parents for using a literal rod to train my flesh to make wise choices.

My brothers and sisters were my best friends growing up. We did everything together; swimming, playing, working. We usually got in trouble together too, and when spankings were due, they were due all around. However, trouble was hard to find, as either Mom or Dad was almost always with us, joining in the fun, the projects, and the learning. From dancing in the rain, to building forts, to learning to ride a bike; they were there, so much a part of my life.

A person is innocent until proven guilty. I have proof that Michael and Debi Pearl are wise and loving parents: I am the proof, and every one of my siblings would agree with me.

Almost everything we (my parents) have ever written is available online for FREE on nogreaterjoy.org; and everything else is as inexpensive as possible while still allowing No Greater Joy to operate as a non-profit organization, geared toward helping thousands of parents and children.

A lot of information about the Pearl’s on the internet is simply taken out of context or completely misquoted. Look up the quotes on nogreaterjoy.org for yourself and make sure your source isn’t lying or misconstruing the truth. It’s important to the homeschool movement that we be accountable for our views, instead of blindly following the loudest sensationalist, or giving them credibility of any kind.

Rebekah (Pearl) Anast

I give full permission to reprint or repost this article in it’s entirety in any format

I Got Rebekah's Form Letter.

A few years back there was an outcry in the British Homeschooling community over the possibility that the Pearls' might visit the U.K. and spread their abusive parenting practices. In response, Rebekah Pearl Anast wrote a form letter that she sent out to many bloggers saying how great her childhood was. This morning I started to moderate my blog and discovered I had been sent that same form letter.

I have several thoughts about this letter. One of the reasons that I feel comfortable in writing about Rebekah, who I believe was horribly abused as a child, is that she has put herself out as the defender of her parents. Here is a woman who has had options in life. At one point, she did get away from her family's control. So, I don't believe for an instance that she is unaware of how abusive her family is.

I will admit also that there are parts of her letter that strikes me as odd. She points out that Gabe Anast is her only lover. There is no reason for her to make such a statement in the letter. Nor does it add anything of value to her point. To be honest, I do not care how many sexual partners another person has had and unless, we are having a conversation about it, I don't want to know. That seems like very intimate information to give out to strangers.

Also, Rebekah claims to be the happiest person that she knows. Unless she is psychic there is no way that she can know who is happy or not. There is also the fact that as a child, she has been told to always be cheerful. How can we trust what she claims to feel when we know that she was whipped for not showing joy?(see To Train Up A Child) Her claims to be the happiest person that she knows is so extreme that I wonder if the opposite isn't true and she is trying desperately to cover up her unhappiness.

Another odd point in the letter is how Rebekah clearly contradicts herself. In one paragraph she writes that she was never spanked, but then she continues to describe her thankfulness that the rod was used against her. I was never injured in body or spirit by the training I received. I was never “struck” in anger. I did receive non-injurious spankings on my fully clothed backside with a willow switch when I had clearly transgressed a known “law” of the house. These spankings did not leave bruises or abrasions, or emotional distress. Notice the plural use of the word spanking. So, she did receive more then one spanking. Either she is a horrible liar or Rebekah has some weird definition of corporal punishment that the rest of us do not share.

Because of my childhood, I feel empathy for Rebekah. My own mother was mentally and emotionally abusive but she combined her cruelty with moments of kindness and generosity. I am certain that lots of abused children have a very confusing relationship with their parents. Parental cruelty is often sporadic and twisted in with claims of love and even attempts by the abusing parent to win their child's affections. Its not always easy admitting that you were an abused child. I know. I have been there.

But when my mother turned her abuse toward my children, I had to cut contact with her. Protecting my children was more important then my denials about my mother's actions. I include my own story to make a point. Rebekah Pearl Anast's childhood sounds like the religious version of my own. She probably has some of the same scars that I do.

On the slight chance that she ever reads this blog I would like to talk directly to her. Rebekah, your parents' advice is responsible for creating a adversarial relationship between parent and child that can lead to abuse. By defending them you are as culpable for their actions as they are. When innocent children are hurt, you need to stand up and admit that the myth that your family has tried to create is not true.

Rebekah, it doesn't matter what your parents tell you, or Gabe. You have to live with your own conscious. Every time a child is whipped or their spirit is broken, you are partially responsible because you have not spoken out but have tried to hide the truth. Anyone reading the first part of this series can tell that you had a rotten childhood. A woman as obviously intelligent as you can not be unaware that she had an abusive childhood. I had to stand up to my mother to protect innocent children, now you need to do the same thing. Grow a set of ovaries and be a woman.

Rebekah Pearl's Young Adult Years

The first part of this series covered Rebekah Pearl’s childhood. This second part will cover her early adult hood until her marriage. To me, this is the saddest part of her life because it exposes the potential that the younger Rebekah possessed.

The young Rebekah Pearl attended a Bible College where she received a BA degree in linguistics and Bible translation.

At the age of 21, Rebekah Pearl was escorted by her 18 year old brother, Gabriel to Papua New Guinea. (No Greater Joy. September 12 1995 Wusaywusay-ai-yanday)

After twenty-five hours in the air, here I stood below the equator with my lanky, eighteen- year-old brother in a strange country thousands of miles from our little valley in Tennessee. As we picked up our back packs and wandered bewilderedly toward the buildings, I was wondering what we would do if our contact did not come to pick us up. God has called me to go to the primitive unreached tribes of Papua New Guinea, learn their language, translate the Scripture, and teach them how to read it. I have been told more than once that it is not the job for a young lady. I too have wondered how I would survive alone in a primitive tribe. I have prayed that God would send another woman to go with me.


It is interesting that as a young woman, Rebekah believed that she was capable of doing what men could not. Apparently, she also believed that God could call women to teach men.

About his daughter's role in Papua New Guinea, Michael writes:

Upon her final return to P.N.G., Rebekah will be learning an unknown language and reducing it to writing by creating an alphabet and a dictionary. She will have to discover and define the innate rules of their grammar. All definitions of words must be linked to an understanding of the culture. In order to make the translation and her communication understandable, she will be recording their history, folk tales, religious beliefs and social customs. She will have to teach them to read the literature she produces and cause them to understand the Scripture in its foreign cultural context


This is very impressive. I don’t know how successful she was at creating an alphabet and dictionary, teaching this tribe to read its own language or writing out scripture for them. That sounds like a monumental task that would take one person an entire lifetime to complete. If she did all this then Rebekah is a highly intelligent, disciplined person who deserves to be credited for her role in bringing literacy to this tribe.

From the same article, Michael writes about the people that his eldest daughter will serve

Their naked bodies reek with the stench of decaying flesh and putrid sores. Their faces are hardened by fear of the evil spirits ruling every facet of their lives. Their daily life is one of foraging the rotten logs for grub worms, which are eaten alive as they are found, or of digging in the ground with stone implements or sticks for the roots which comprise the main part of their scarce diet. Their existence is not as National Geographic or Public Television would portray. They are unhappy people with sins and evil habits ranging from the deliberate killing of young children to Sodomy and child molestation

and

It is a simple matter to obey our Lord’s last words and take the message that is medicine to the soul and health to the spirit. As all men, every tribal adult is individually, willfully rebellious. They do not deserve to hear, but it is at this very point that grace begins


She seems to have enjoyed her adventure but to keep from being lonely she wrote songs that she would later turn into a CD entitled From The Ends Of The Earth. All alone in a bamboo hut on the top of a mountain in New Guinea, the first white woman ever seen by the Kumboi village, Rebekah writes and sings songs about her God. She accompanies herself on a classical guitar. One CD. Also available on cassette.


I admit that the emphasis on her being white and female strikes me as odd.

She spent two years among the Kumboi villagers.(No Greater joy July 1, 2003 Beginning With Words)

I spent two years among the Kumboi people of Papua, New Guinea. Most of that time was spent on linguistics and translation. I squatted for hours in the smoke-filled cook-house in the center of our village, practicing the words I learned and trying to pick up new ones.

I do not know if Rebekah ever accomplished her mission of translating the bible for the Kumboi people before she returned home. After her time in the jungle, Rebekah seems to have enjoyed a rather adventuresome lifestyle.

I enjoyed exploring and scuba-diving in Thailand and Laos. From there, I headed to the Middle East. For a year and half, I traveled Israel, Egypt, and Jordan, and had in-depth conversations with monks, Jews, Ethiopians, Germans, Palestinians, Europeans, and even some socially handicapped, public-schooled Americans.

Once she returned to the states, she did not date. Her father writes that dating is understood to be nearly synonymous with fornication. Not that we think everyone who dates will commit fornication, but recreational dating, at its best, is foreplay—psychologically and emotionally, if not physically

In the same article, Michael proudly comments:
Rebekah was twenty-six when she married, and she never had a “boy friend”—never shared any kind of emotional or physical relationship with anyone. Her husband need not be concerned that someday a man may walk up to him and say, “Your wife and I used to be very special to one another.” He is her first and only.

Michael does assure the readers that Rebekah had plenty of marriage offers. He claims to have turned away five or six young men who he didn't even allow near his daughter. There were also other men that he thought would make good husbands but his daughter turned down.

The Pearls do not believe in betrothal, although the family does exert a lot of control in who is allowed to get close to their adult children.

I have formed a fence around my daughters, and by their consent I guard them against unworthy suitors. I control the gate. I let young men that I trust gain social access to my daughters. In a sense, I allow only those that are tentatively approved to pass in review. Out of that small lot of potential suitors, with their parents’ guidance, they will seek God and determine their life’s partner. Every step will be under our oversight. Again, by their consent only, we hold veto rights. A young man must go through my wife and I to get close to our daughters, but we don’t make them sign on the dotted line before they get to know each other

After receiving Micheal's permission to court Rebekah, Gabriel Anast worked for a period in the family's business. Because Rebekah was overseas, it was several months before she and Gabe met.

Once they did meet, their relationship progressed fairly quickly. After a few weeks, Gabe had asked permission to court Rebekah. And a short time later Rebekah asked her parents for their permission to accept Gabe's offer of marriage. In four months they were married by their parents.

Due to a strong aversion to the possibility of same sex marriage, none of the Pearl children have gotten legally married. Instead of a license all of children, including Rebekah, were married via private contract.

So when the sodomites have come to share in the state marriage licenses, which will eventually be the law, James and Shoshanna(Rebekah's sister and brother-in-law) will not be in league with those perverts. And, while I am on the subject, there will come a time when faithful Christians will either revoke their state marriage licenses and establish an exclusively one man-one woman covenant of marriage, or, they will forfeit the sanctity of their covenant by being unequally yoked together with perverts.

Interestingly, Rebekah Pearl, who has visited several countries, brought literacy to a primitive tribe, wrote songs for a CD, published a book on her missionary work and translated scripture into a new language, is unable to choose who will answer her theological inquires. After her marriage, her father informed her that her husband, Gabe, was now the person who would answer her religious questions.

Although her young adulthood is not abusive as were her early years, it is probably the saddest portion to write especially as I am aware of Rebekah Pearl Anast's current situation.

The next and final article will cover her life after marriage and I will try to put it up in by the beginning of next week.

Rebekah Pearl Part One--Her Childhood

Not only do the Pearls hold their adult children up as a living testimony to the success of their child training methods but many of their children have written articles for their parents’ magazine, No Greater Joy. The oldest daughter has even written a glowing letter describing how wonderful her childhood was. So, although I do not like causing pain to people who I feel were both physically and mentally abused as children, there are simply too many people who believe that the Pearls are the epitome of what a God fearing family should look like for me to ignore the adult children.

I am starting with Rebekah Pearl Anast, the oldest daughter. For years, I have been concerned with her. Something about her writing has always made me feel sad for her. I am using information gleaned from the Pearls’ book, To Train Up A Child, the website, No Greater Joy and the Anasts’ own site, 7xsunday to describe both her early years and present life.

In their book, To Train Up A Child, the Pearls describe their four month old daughter as being mobile at an unusually young age. Instead of putting up a gate to prevent the young Rebekah from climbing the steps, her parents switched her tiny body.(Meaning that hit her with a flexible stick) As she grew older, her father’s method of keeping his children from drowning was to allow them to fall into a pond. If his children were too well balanced to take the plunge, he gleefully pushed them into the water (again from To Train Up A Child).

His method of gun safety was similar in practice to his lesson in water safety. Michael writes in his book, To Train Up A Child. With our first toddler, I placed an old, unused and empty, single-shot shot-gun in the living room corner. After taking the toddler through the "No" saying, hand-switching sessions, they knew guns were always off limits. Every day they played around the gun without touching it. I never had to be concerned with their going into someone else's house and touching a gun. I didn't gun-proof my house, I gun-proofed my children. I am not certain why the Pearls insisted on such a dangerous practice in their own home.

Part of the Pearls’ methods includes teaching children to always show joy. Michael accomplished this outer show of mindless happiness by playing a strange game with his kids. He had his children follow a series of commands such as sit, stand, touch the door knob, don’t touch the door knob. It sounds like the game that most of us played in school, Simon Says, until you read that Michael had a switch in hand ready to spank any child that didn’t obey with a smile and cheerful demeanor.

I have taught the children to obey first and ask questions later. When they were small and I put them through paces, they learned to immediately do what I said. If they ever failed to instantly obey a command, I would "drill" them. "Sit down. Don't speak until I tell you to." Understand, I was not taking out frustrations. It was all done in the utmost pleasantness and usually even fun. "Stand up," I would say. "Now come here. Go touch the door." And, before they could get there, "Sit." Plop, down they would go. "Now, go to your rooms and clean them up." Just like little, proud soldiers, off they would go to the task.
If one of them should fail in his attitude, he would be spanked--without haste or hostility, mind you. Negligence or clumsiness was a time for patience and grace, but lazy rebellion was punished with the rod.

Some people might wonder why his children haven’t rebelled but that is where the truly insidious part of Michael’s methods come into play. The Pearls have discovered that children respond to love and attention. All children want their parents’ approval, affection and time. Not only were his children taught to deny their own emotions and only express joy but they have been taught that love is dependent on their acting in an approved manner. It doesn't matter that the book, To Train Up A Child, sounds like a manual for potential brainwashers or that the Pearls use methods from behavioral science to 'train' their children. Outsiders are willing to accept the fantasy that following the Pearls will produce perfect, happy kids.

At one point, the Pearls income was so low that they were forced to eat what might have been cat food. Rebekah describes this time period on her forum, 7xsunday under the thread called, How is Becca? When my family first moved near the Amish community in TN, I was 14 years old. The first winter we had cabbage, wheat, raw milk, and canned cat food or poor quality tuna (the cans were missing labels when we bought them and we couldn't tell for sure if it was cat food or tuna.)

It doesn't appear that either Pearl held down a paying job during this time period. Although I am uncertain, I think that this is the time period in which they were trying to start their ministry and magazine. Most responsible parents would either put their dreams on hold or one of them would find employment outside of their new business.

In 1974, Micheal Pearl announced to his wife that they would homeschool their young family. Debbi took up her husband's suggestion and began teaching her children at home. Rebekah has written that she suspects that she was dyslexic. She even jokingly claims that she would have been forced to ride the short bus if she had attended public school.

Rebekah writes, I never spent a day locked away in my own introspection (Mom was sure to intrude!). Despite the fact that I can no longer find the post, Rebekah has written on the forum, Well Tell Me, that she had trouble with daydreaming. Perhaps Debbi felt that her daughter had a real attention problem but I wonder if was it just another way to control their daughter. Even her inner thoughts were not off limits to her parents.

The Pearls certainly had a problem with boundaries.In the article Safeguarding Your Children, Rebekah remembers, Dad built our house so that all the bedroom doors facing the main living room/family room. None of our doors had locks on them until we were older, and then only the girls. We were never allowed to spend time in our rooms behind closed doors. The door could only be closed for five minutes of clothes changing. If a door was closed for a longer period of time, Dad was likely to walk in unannounced to see what we were up to. One has to wonder what their father thought his children were going to do if they were left alone for a few minutes. To me, this lack of any privacy shows an extreme need to control not only their children's life but their private thoughts as well.

By the way, the same article describes how Michael Pearl presented prostitution to his children. During a trip to Memphis, Rebekah observed a woman being slapped by a man. Despite the fact that No Greater Joy brags about the manliness of the Pearl men, Michael did not step forward to help the woman nor did he search for a pay phone to call the police. Instead he uses the opportunity to teach his kids about prostitution. She’s a prostitute,” Dad told us. “He’s a pimp. She works for him, selling her body to lascivious men who will burn in hell, so that she can continue to buy drugs to satisfy her addiction. God hates prostitution and pornography, kids. It destroys lives and families.” I think that he taught his children to stand idly by while people are being hurt.

Instead of being the wonderful fantasy life that the Pearls try to present to their followers, Rebekah's childhood sounds nightmarish. I have no idea why anyone would want this for their children.

In the next installment, I will continue the Rebekah Pearl story.

My Comments On Michael Pearl's Post

Even my chickens are laughing . . . well, actually it more like cackling, because they just laid another organic egg for my breakfast and they know that it was that same piece of ¼ inch plastic supply line that trained the dogs not to eat chicken....

I am pretty certain that whacking dogs with a quarter inch supply line is considered animal abuse.

My five grown children are laughing at your foolish, uninformed criticism of God’s method of child training, for their kids—

Many Pearl followers claim that Michael's happy adult children are proof that he and his wife have done a wonderful job and must know how to raise perfect children. The problem is that his daughter, Rebekah, has left an online paper trail proving that she does have some serious issues.

I will post about Rebekah soon.

Spare The Rod And A Thank You

Here is an article from a woman whose parents used the Pearl's methods in their family. Tulip Girl has been very vocal about speaking out against the Pearls. Here is another excellent article on the subject. I think that it is very important that parents understand that there are Christians who are crying out against the Pearls.

I want to thank everyone who has spoken so kindly to me about my doubts. You guys are great.

Another Death Attributed To The Pearls

Four years ago a small child named Sean Paddock was killed by his mother before his fifth birthday. His adoptive mother, Lyn Paddock was a follower of self proclaimed child experts, Michael and Debbi Pearl.

Because neither Michael or his wife advised parents to child suffocate children in blankets some might be not see the couple's liability in the toddler's death. But reading through their website, No Greater Joy, it is easy to see that a certain harmful mindset is encouraged. Although I do not wish to detract from Lyn Paddock's culpability in anyway, it is important to understand what influences drove her. Certain personality types are susceptible to unquestioningly following an authority figure even if there seems to be no logic in doing so.

I am going to let the Pearls' words speak for themselves. You can link on their site and find the quotes so that you know I am not changing the meaning by quoting these lines out of context.

This is from an article entitled Different Techniques to Control Parents. The Pearls are speaking about a three and four year old child.

Sit on her, if you have to, and slowly explain that you will not tolerate this resistance. Explain in a normal tone (She will eventually stop screaming and listen) that you are going to give her, say, five licks for the original offense and an additional two licks for the fit. Slowly apply the five licks, counting out loud. When I say slowly, I mean with a thirty second gap between each lick and a calm explanation to the screaming child that you are not the least impressed except that you are going to spank harder and she still gets the additional two licks plus one more for her ongoing screaming

The next quote is from an article entitled Too Young To Spank. At first I thought that Michael Pearl was saying that some children are too young to spank but I was wrong. The Pearls do not consider all hitting to be spanking. Sometimes in Pearl speak, hitting is training not spanking. You have to keep that double speak in mind when you read their writings, if not the quotes by Michael will seem to contradictory.

At first Michael states:When is a child too young to spank?” Based on my definition of “spanking,” I can answer the question. A child is too young to spank when spanking is not profitable to the child. Of course, the same applies to a child of any age. "

But then he writes about a six month old who dumps his bowl of food on the floor:

So we watch him, knowing his propensity to selfish compulsion. When he seizes his bowl with intentions of dumping it, swat the offending hand with a little instrument (light wooden spoon, rubber spatula, flexible tubing less than a quarter inch in diameter, or any instrument that will cause an unpleasant sting without leaving any marks). As you swat the offending hand, say “No” in a normal commanding voice. The tone is more important than the word―not angry―but decisive. Children understand the temperament in your tone before they are born, and will recognize it. This swat is not punishment. Probably, it will not even cause the little guy to cry. He will be shocked and stop any action in which he is engaged. Explain to him that he is not to throw his food onto the floor. If he again makes an attempt, swat his hand again and say, no. The third time is the charm. He now knows that “No” uttered in a commanding tone, is something serious. He will not try that stunt again—at least not for this meal

It should be noted that in their book To Train Up A Child, the Pearls write about switching their four month old daughter. From their writing it appears that spanking young children is permissible as long as the parents use the word, training.

In this article, he describes a very young infant cries as being manipulative.

At less than three-months-old this little girl had discovered the power of emotional manipulation.

He instructs young mothers how they should respond to their infants instead.

This wise mother decided to retrain her three-month-old baby. She laid her down knowing she would cry. The mother calmly ignored the crying. When Suzzie stopped crying and became cheerful, Mother picked her up and played with her. When Suzzie was placed in the crib and again cried, the mother again ignored her until she became cheerful. Through a several day process of never paying her any attention when she cried, Suzzie stopped crying to get her way. Now, four-month-old Suzzie never cries to get her way. Why go to the trouble if it doesn’t work? She is trained to maintain a good attitude. This training has extended to every area of Suzzie’s life.

Although this is clearly abusive to most of us, the Pearls' not only promise that their methods will produce perfectly behaved children who will adore their parents but warn their readers that not following their advice will lead to troubled teenagers and sorrow for the parents. Their message is very tempting to some people. When you add to the mix that the Pearls claim that their methods are taken directly from the Bible, you have a very dangerous mix.

In February of this year another couple, The Schatzs, were charged with the death of their 7-year old adopted daughter, Lydia and the torture of their 11-year-old daughter, Zariah. The older child was beaten so badly that she had to be hospitalized because of the possibility of renal failure. The sisters were beat with a quarter inch plumbing line as suggested in this article by the Pearls.

The rod we speak of is a plumbing supply line that can be bought at any hardware store or large department store. It is a slim, flexible, plastic tubing that supplies water to sinks, and toilets. Ask for "¼ inch supply line." They cost less than one dollar. I always give myself one swat before I swat the child to remind myself how much force to exert. It stings the skin without bruising or damaging tissue. It’s a real attention-getter. Michael demonstrates its use in our new Seminar videos

I am going to try to cover the Pearls in more detail on my blog. Not only does this family's business need to be shut but this couple ultimately need to be held responsible for these two children's deaths.

Dealing With Past Sexual Abuse

There is an excellent series of articles over on the blog site, Abba's Little Girl, that deal with the sexual abuse that the blog owner suffered as a child. The series is dubbed Out Of Darkness and it is very helpful for those who have endured past abuse.

One note, the owner is a convert to Catholicism. Her father, and abuser, was a Baptist minister. She does NOT attempt to paint the majority of Baptists as perverts; I would not link to her site if she was using her experiences to castigate the entire Baptists denomination. It was her former Protestant Church, in fact, which encouraged her to confront her family with her past.

Here is part of her very first article on her experiences. I am printing it in hopes that others in pain from their childhoods will want to explore her series.

It has not been easy discussing this facet of my experience. In fact, I think this is the one facet that continues to be painful. I have heard people comment often that I seem to be able to discuss my experiences calmly and without visible signs of pain. That is because the Lord has done such an amazing job of taking the pain away and I have worked through forgiveness and recovery.

But the one area that continues to be painful and which affects my every day life to this day is the accusation my mother and subsequently my brother have made that I have been the victim of False Memory Syndrome.

You cannot imagine (unless you're been through it) what it is like to have your own family not believe you about something so devastating as being molested. To watch the perpetrator sit quietly by and watching the other members of the family castigate you while he withholds the truth feels like having a pillow held over your face.

To this day, when I express myself about something that means a lot to me, and I find myself not believed, I experience that same feeling of suffocation. I have to guard against the reaction and remind myself that the opinions of others do not determine truth.

First Time, Cheerful Obedience Rant

Despite homeschooling and being an exfundamentalists, I was unaware of the concept of either first time obedience or cheerful obedience. It wasn't until some, intrusive older lady tried to 'correct' my parenting that I began to research different "Christian" parenting methods. Apparently some of my former Independent Baptist Church Members were concerned because I counted to three when my younger two girls disobeyed. They wanted my kids to immediately obey with big smiles on their face.

To be honest, their advice creeped me out. I had always got compliments on my kids behavior without expecting them to 'ask how high when I told them to jump". So, I was confused as to why anyone would complain about my parenting methods when they obviously considered my kids polite and well mannered.

What I discovered was that the 'ideal' fundamentalist parent had children who could sit perfectly still and quiet through a hour service, never disturbed talking grownups and obeyed quickly with a big, wide, happy grin. No, my kids are not 'ideal'. Yes, they whine and get grumpy sometimes. We've had issues with them that we have to work on as a family together. But we manage to deal with these problems without breaking our children's spirits down.

Several aspects of my childhood influenced me to strongly disagree with 'cheerful' obedience. (although I think kids and adults should be polite)First, my mother was abusive and she expected quick obedience and for us to hide our emotions. We had to be outwardly happy when we were actually very upset. Startlingly enough, I can understand the motives behind children who kill their parents. At one point, I was very, very angry with my mom, no matter how much I smiled. If my mother had used religion as a basis for her actions, I have no doubt that I would have hated God instead. Emotionally, it is easier for a child to hate an unseen entity then a parent. I wonder how many atheists and pagans were brought up to fear that any expression of anger toward their Christian parents equalled disloyalty to God. What a burden to place on a young child's shoulders.

I've always valued the ability to think for one self and not follow the crowd. My goal as a parent is to teach my kids that rebelling against the societal norm for what one considers morally right is the correct thing to do. Ultimately, I want my children to not just be good but to be noble. Part of being noble is learning to balance respect for authority with the ability to question and perhaps stand against the same authority.

My youngest son went through a period when he felt angry often. We worked with him, discussing the best way to handle anger and how to differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate ways to handle his temper. It took some time but I am grateful that I was able to see that he had a problem. What if he had been trained that the only legitimate emotion for a Christian to feel was happiness? Would he have swallowed down his anger only to have it reemerge when he had power over someone else?

I believe that God gives us warnings by allowing us to feel negative emotions. From a human vantage a situation or person can seem wonderful, but our emotions, instinct-God- is nudging us and trying to warn us. How does an adult brought up to believe that they should deny their emotions and only be cheerful handle situations in which they come under the authority of a evil person masquerading as a Christian? They won't know that they can trust their own instincts or that the icky feelings that they are experiencing might actually be God warning them.

My main problem, though, with cheerful, first time obedience is spiritual. I have trouble asking kids to do something that we as Christian adults do not do. I do not always obey God without whining. When it is cold out, I whine about attending church, I whine about saying my prayers, I whine about a lot of my obedience. God wants our hearts so even if I smile outside, he wants my inner smile and I don't always give it to him. Often the changes that have occurred in me as a Christian were accompanied by a lot of inner tantrums on my part. Learning to forgive my mom was something that I complained, whined and moaned about. I am probably one of God's 'difficult' children. LOL

God understands that we are a work in progress. In first time, cheerful obedience, the parent is expecting more perfection on the part of the child toward a fallible human then the parent is likely giving to God. That really bothers me.

Have The Pearl's Changed Some Of Their Advice?

On their website, No Greater Joy, the Pearls have a collection of various readers' questions and the responses from Michael and Debbi. The questions typically revolve around marriage and childcare.


One particular Pearl response has been strongly criticized on many blogs. A mother had written to No Greater Joy about the fact that her husband had molested his children. Michael Pearl had answered that the woman should indeed press charges against the husband. If his response had ended with his call for the man to serve time, few people would have had issue with him. Unfortunately his advice continued. He advised the woman to visit the husband in prison and to bring the victims of his crime, their children, on these visits. After the man had served his term, the wife was advised to welcome him back into her home and presumably her bed. Her children would, Michael reasoned, be adults and need no further protection.


Despite the fact that others had covered this particular subject, I wanted to write about it. To my surprise, I can no longer find the letter on their website! The original letter has been replaced by another one written by a mother of seven children. In this letter the Pearls take a much stronger stance against the evil of sexual abuse.

Michael writes: You husband has committed a crime against humanity. You are legally obligated to report this crime to the law. He will be jailed and stand trial; you and the girls will testify against him; he will be sentenced to about 20 years.


Oh my, I agree with Michael Pearl. On their website, the Pearls state that Michael conducts a prison ministry. Perhaps his years of contact with such men has finally convinced him that his original advice was wrong.

I would add that beyond a legal requirement to report the husband, the mother has a ethical and moral responsibility to do so.

Further, Micheal states: If he truly repents and gets saved, and you should choose to forgive him, the girls should never be forced to be in subjection to him again. He forfeited the right to be their father when he committed a crime worthy of death against them

This is much better then the first letter. The children should never be forced to live in the same household with this man again. It doesn't matter what the mother's personal feelings toward her husband are, she has to protect her daughters.

If they choose to forgive and accept him as their father, that would be a blessed thing for them. They have been hurt enough; they shouldn't have to live with the hate and anger. That would mean that his sin is continuing to follow them.

Disappointingly, the above comment is a bit vague and could be read several different ways. I am uncertain exactly what Michael means by 'accepting him as their father." Hopefully, this doesn't mean that the father would be allowed to return home if his minor children wish him to do so. Abusive people are often very manipulative and are not above using emotion and guilt against their victim. Such people should never be allowed access to vulnerable children.

Many wrongly assume that forgiveness means that the wronged individual welcomes the offender back into their life. This is not true. Forgiveness means letting go of the anger and hate that can destroy the innocent victim's life. But the wronged are not required to allow dangerous indiviuals back into their lives.

I would love to know what led to Michael's change of heart. Did he truely have an epiphany? If so, the Pearls should issue a statement on their site for the mothers who followed Michael's original advice. The skeptic in me wonders if this change in attitude is caused by the fact that the Pearls have been investigated by social service. Perhaps they are afraid that if a repeat of the Sean Paddock case reoccurs, they might be liable for their advice.

Hopefully, though, Michael has really had a change of heart and his perspective has changed. I just wish that he had written another article explaining that the older article should not be followed.

The Pearls Advice For A Child Who Strikes Others

Below is a section taken from the Pearl's book To Train Up A Child, chapter nine. To avoid accusations that I am taking the writer's out of context I have included a link to an online copy of their book. If you have any doubts about what I write, please click on the link.

If you have experience with children, then include how you handled the following situation. Perhaps if an overwhelmed parent comes to this site and finds a variety of approaches to their problems then that parent will be less susceptible to listen The Pearls.

As my wife was counseling with a young mother, I watched a most amazing scene unfold. The first of two children (a two-year-old), upon failing to get attention, picked up a plastic toy wrench and began to pound his mother's arm. Occasionally, he would reach up and poke her in the face.

This isn't amazing. It sounds like normal two year old behavior.

The parent can very briefly model using a wrench correctly and encouraging the child to copy them. When the toddler does so the parent can praise the child and then ask the child for a high five. "Give me a high five for using that toy correctly, son." At least this is what I did when my kids were very young.

If the behavior continued and nothing else worked then I would take the wrench from the child and firmly tell him/her "No, don't hit." Yes, your child will probably cry but be comforted. Once your child understands that his/her parents' no really does mean no then your job as a parent is much easier. You don't have to be overly punitive to teach your child to listen to you. All you have to do is be consistent. By the way, you don't have to take the toy away forever, just for a few hours.

This was not new behavior. We had previously observed these "way of Cain" acts of violence perpetrated on the little brother as well as on the mother.

If this child has a continued problem with striking others then it would seem wise to discover the roots of his behavior. The Pearls give no background about the family. Is the father respectful of the mother? Is the child modeling behavior that he has witnessed in the home? What are his television viewing habits? Some children are more prone then others to copying the violence that they see on tv. Have the parents indicated that certain food, schedule changes etc have a bearing on this child's behavior? Treating only the symptoms without addressing the real problem will only cause the child's negative behavior

Just as an aside, you can prevent some jealousy from an older sibling toward a new baby just by asking the older child to help you. For example, when you change the baby's diaper, have the older child bring you a diaper and praise them for their help. Tell them how lucky the baby is to have such a great and helpful brother/sister.

Considering that Cain killed his brother Abel, I am guessing that the Pearls included the reference as a scare tactic. There is nothing in the bible, after all, about two year old Cain hitting infant Abel.

As the talk continued, little Johnny got tired of assaulting his mother and turned on my wife. After the first blow, almost without diverting her eyes from the mother, and with no change of expression, she picked up a matching plastic toy. This was not to fight back, but to train.

Notice the word "train" in the above section. The Pearls sometimes call physical punishment 'training" instead of spanking, striking or hitting. So, although this story obviously has an adult hitting a child with a plastic wrench, the Pearls can claim that this isn't happening because they are 'training' the child.

The mother is the one who would most benefit from what was about to occur. As little Johnny drove home the next blow, swiftly and with more than matching force, my wife struck

Although spanking might not be the best response to the child's misbehavior, it would be much better for the mom to swat her toddler's bottom then to allow a non relative to strike her son. To prevent sexual abuse, children should know that they can tell an adult who is not their parent that they don't want to be touched.

Also, by picking up the wrench and striking the child, Debbi Pearl has lowered herself to his age. She hasn't taught the child that he shouldn't strike someone with the wrench, just that you shouldn't strike someone who can fight back.

Such surprise! What is this little Johnny feels coming from his arm? Pain! And somehow it is associated with the striking of this toy. Again, Johnny strikes. Again, swift, retribution (training really). Johnny is very tough; so, though he didn't cry, he pulled back his pained arm and examined it carefully. You could see the little mental computer working. As if to test his new theory, again, but with less force, he struck. The immediately returned blow was not diminished in strength. This time, I thought he would cry. No, after looking at his mother, as if to say, "What is this new thing?" he again, and with even less force, struck my wife on the arm. I was thinking, "She will lighten up this time and match his diminished intensity." Again, my wife struck, seemingly, with all the force she could possibly muster without standing for a wind-up.

Even those parents who spank do not strike their child with their full force. To do so would leave bruises. According to Michael Pearl, Debbi is hitting the child with all her strength. I have counted four times that the child was struck in the above section, the last time was with all Debbi's strength.

Johnny, tough enough for special forces, did one of those pained, crying faces covered by a forced smile.

I don't believe this. I think that Michael Pearl's memory is fuzzy. There is no way that a woman could use her full strength to strike a child's arm with a plastic toy without causing the child to scream.

To my amazement, with one-fourth the original force, he again smack my wife. This time, her bottom came off the couch as she drew back to return the blow; and I heard a little karate like wheeze come from somewhere deep inside. I was hoping that Johnny was getting close to learning his lesson. The conversation had about died in anticipation of the outcome. Johnny must have had a Viking lineage, for he continued to trade blows about ten times. On Johnny's part, the blows got lighter and lighter until, after a short contemplative delay, he gave a little tap that was returned with a swift, forceful blow

Again, common sense would tell us that this is false. Debbi Pearl has hit this child so hard that her butt has lifted off the seat. This boy would be bruised. If you don't believe me then please find an adult who is as much larger then you as Debbi must be compared to a two year old. Hand the adult a plastic, toy wrench and have them repeatedly hit you full force on the arm. Remember the blows have to be powerful enough to lift your friend off the couch.

By the way, it sounds like there were 11 blows applied to the child's arm in this section alone. Add these 11 hits to the above four and that makes 15 hard strikes on a two year old by an adult woman. So, your friend has to strike you at least 15 times and many of those blows must be at his full strength.

What is the boy's mother, his supposed protector, doing during the abuse of her child? Sitting quietly, not interfering. After Debbi finishes she hands the wrench to the mother who hits the child two or three more times!

Michael Pearl assures us that,This was not discipline, but training.

Again, notice the word, training.

The child was cheerfully striking with the toy. Though frustrated, he was not angry or mean. Had that been the case, his medicine would have been the rod.

So, worse could have happened to a two year old child?

The returned blows were teaching him that what he was doing was painful and undesirable. He was also being taught that there were others who could give it out better than he. Most little bullies are cured by meeting a bigger bully.

I don't even know how to comment to the above statement. I want to write further on this group but I will have to take a break from them. Reading their material makes me sad.

The Pearls

I’ve decided to cover the Pearls and their child rearing methods on my website. There are many excellent resources on the web about the Pearls. Tulip Girl immediately comes to mind as a Christian blogger who has written about this subject. Her site is a good starting point for those interested in the Pearls and their ministry.

Because I wish to be fair, I am providing a free, online link to the Pearl’s book, To Train Up A Child. You can also find their website, No Greater Joy, by doing a Google search. If you doubt the validity of any of my criticisms, please check the sources yourself.

I have many beefs with the Pearls. People who are making money off giving child raising advice should be very clear. Yet, the Pearls contradict themselves and are very vague as to what they consider abuse. They also distort the common meaning of some words, making understanding their advice difficult in some instances. For example, the word training is used to replace spanking, especially when they are talking about the punishment of very young babies. This is why one of their adult daughters can honestly report that she was only spanked once despite the fact that her parents describe ‘training’ her at four months old.

There is much on their site that is good, but it is combined with some exceptionally ghastly advice. And for all their commendable talk of tying heart strings, following their recommendations exactly as written could potentially cause an adversarial relationship between parent and child. Although some parents have the ability to pick out what is good in the Pearl’s methods, not everyone is blessed with an ability to discern the good from the bad.

I have some problems with the guilt trips that the Pearls place on parents who do not follow their advice. There is no one way to raise all children. Kids, just like adults, are individuals. Its impossible to say that one methods works with every single child, yet the Pearls do seem to indicate that anyone who does not follow their methods are doomed to have horrible children.

A lot of people, even those who disagree with Michael and Debbi Pearl, have commented that it is obvious that the Pearls love their children. My response is, so what? As an adult from a highly dysfunctional household, I can attest that abusive parents and spouses often love their victims. Granted the love might be twisted and selfish but the abuser does believe that what they feel is genuine love. I, for instance, never doubted that my mother loved me. Her love did not make her less abusive, but it did make it more difficult for me to overcome the results of her abuse.

Also, my siblings and I were the ‘good children’. Due to fear of my mother, we did not argue with her or show disrespect. We were very outwardly obedient children and my mother got many compliments on how well mannered we were. I was very afraid of my mom and her temper. I decided early on as a mother that I would rather have less well behaved children, who were independent and could think for themselves, then to have children who were perfect.

So much has been written about the Pearls that I don’t think it would be effective to write an article detailing both their faults and strengths. My plan is to take a few articles from the Pearls’ website and segments from their book and discuss them in more detail. I haven’t seen anything like that done on other blogs.

Let me admit right now. I am not a perfect parent with perfect kids. I do not have a degree in child psychology or in theology. I really don’t have an opinion on spanking either. My problems with the Pearls have nothing to do with corporal punishment.

I was an abused child and I don’t want future children to be abused by well meaning but overly zealous parents. it is an emotional issue for me. Hopefully any discourse on the subject can be polite and civil. I understand that most parents who follow the Pearls are well intentioned. Hopefully, I can do a good job of covering the Pearls.

Purgatory And My Mom

Purgatory is especially comforting to me. I believe that my mother was a Christian. Granted, I could not see into her heart, but she had a strong love for God. Unfortunately, my mother had a mental disorder that kept her from seeing life clearly.

Describing my mother is a difficult task. She was an extreme. When she was good, she was nearly saintly, but when she was bad, she was a horrible, vindictive, manipulative human being.

Both homeless and stray animals were brought home by my mom. Admittedly, my mom's judgement was off. She allowed one man to live with us who drank all our liquid cold medicines, hid alcohol bottles all through the house and brought porn into our home. His relationship with our mom was platonic, she simply felt sorry for him. But despite her good intentions, this man was a horrible, frightening person to have around young children.

Once she became concerned that another single mother did not have enough money to be Santa for her children. Even though we had very little money ourselves, she decided that we could fix up old toys and leave them anonymously in a box outside the lady's house. It was a wonderful lesson for us in not expecting credit or praise for our good deeds. Mom always stressed that we treat others with kindness and empathy.

My mother entertained us with silly accents(she was actually very good at mimicry) and funny stories. She could turn the worst events of her life into humorous antidotes. I learned the skill of coping with life's problems with laughter from her.

But this same mother could turn on a dime and become, abusive, cruel and manipulative. From the time that I was 11, she started telling me that I was a slut and a whore. I was also cold and unfeeling, at least according to mom.

When my mother was angry, she was a very frightening person. There was a period in my preadolescence, when I slept under my bed because my mother had indicated that she wanted to kill us. When I grew older, I became more concerned with my younger siblings and would sleep sitting up so that I could wake and protect my sister and brother.

Mom was very addicted to pain medicine. In order to get prescriptions she taught me how to fake migraine headaches so she could get more medicine. One time she sent me downtown by way of city bus to buy a dime bag of marijuana for her. She had a car, she just didn't want to get caught buying drugs. As I was under 18, she explained, I wouldn't get in trouble if the police caught me. Besides, she was going to buy the drugs anyway and if she went to jail, she said, it would be my fault if my siblings went into a foster home. So at 16, I went downtown and had a prearranged meeting with a man that she knew. I gave him money that my mother had entrusted to me and brought home my mother's pot.

Sometimes my mom was very negligent and ignored us completely. I signed all my brother and sister's school paper work and wrote their absence notes. Mom just couldn't be bothered. Other times she smothered us by refusing to let us leave her side. We missed school, were told not to ignore her by doing homework and had to sit up all night with her. She was lonely and we kids had to be her confidants, pals and support system.

Because she wanted to be in love, my mom was constantly falling in and out of relationships. Men liked my mom. She never had any problem getting a date or having men fall in love with her. Unfortunately, she was addicted to the adrenaline rush of falling in love and couldn't sustain a relationship. So, we had men constantly in and out of our lives. My mom was married seven times!

It was a very unstable homelife.

My mom wanted to be a good person. She read her bible and, I sincerely believe, reached out in her own confused way to God. She expressed a strong love for Jesus. An untreated mental condition can make a person see faith and religion in a twisted manner. So many family members protected Mom from hitting bottom and assisted her in hiding her mental condition. At one point, a doctor put my mother on lithium but she stopped seeing him or taking the medication. I have no idea if she had received a diagnosis for her condition or not.

You almost have to be an abused child to understand the discordant nature of such a home life. Sometimes my mother was a nearly saintly, intensely compassionate, loving person while at other times she was cruel and selfish. I have always thought that the loving person that my mother could be was her true nature free of her mental illness.

A couple of years ago, my mother died, alone in a broken down single wide trailer. I was the last of her children who had talked to her and that had been six months previously. To protect my own kids, I had tried to set boundaries on their grandmother. Mom wasn't allowed to make them feel guilty, call them names or inform them that they weren't going to heaven as she had said to my older daughter. In other words, I had given my mother rules as to how she could interact with my kids. She chose not to comply with these very basic rules and so we had no contact for six months.

My mother had obsessively written out her prayers to God on little, yellow memo notes. These notes were stuck all along her walls. Many of them spoke of her deep faith that God would change her children's hearts and convince them that they were mistaken. One very sad note read that my mother knew, if her faith was just strong enough, her children would walk through her door and ask for her forgiveness.

I believe that my mother was sincere in both her faith in God and her love for her children. But her mind was so clouded by insanity that she was incapable of understanding her own contributions to her many problems.

Yet, if I meet my mother in heaven-I honestly believe that she is either there or in Purgatory now- she will not be burdened with insanity. She will be the sweet, loving, funny person that God meant for her to be all along. In heaven she won't suffer from the effects of mental illness. That is a great comfort to me.

Is Spanking MANDATED By The Bible?

This is neither an anti- nor prospanking article. My oldest son was diagnosed as ADHD and yes, we did spank him. With each successive child, we have used spanking less and less as a form of discipline. All four of my kids are equally well behaved, despite the lack of spanking that two younger girls received. In fact, I've been humbled by the example of some nonspanking families who still manage to produce kind, well spoken, respectful children.

It would seem to be common sense-at least now that I am older-that because family temperaments and backgrounds differ that no single child rearing method will work for everyone. So imagine my surprise when I began to read on some Christian sites that the Bible mandates spanking. Even more startling are the claims that there is only one "Biblical" way to raise children.

Granted most of these sites are not Catholic but are fundamentalists. But people react to confidence, even if it is misplaced. I worry that the fundamentalist certainty that there is one way for Christians to raise children will spread and become "The Christian way to parent." Also, I am concerned that some of these parenting methods will produce either passive adults who will be ripe for a charismatic leader or that these kids, because of their upbringing, will grow up to hate Christianity and seek to undermine our faith.

Let me say, I am not a permissive parent and I don't have a strong opinion on spanking. My goal is only to prove that there isn't a Biblical rule that Christians have to spank. I am not arguing for or against corporal punishment.

There are about six verses in the Bible that deal with striking a child. These are mainly found in Proverbs. In most of these instances the Hebrew word for child used is na'ar. Na'ar is a masculine word for a male child of any age. Although there are a few instances of na'ar being used for a infant, in the Old Testament, na'ar is mainly used for older adolescent males.

Proverbs is a book of wise sayings. There is an entire section of Proverbs in which unrelated sayings follow one another. There is no way to tell if na'ar means a young boy, a male infant or an adult man still living at home. Certainly if you strike your college age son with a rod you run the risk of serving jail time for assault. So, I would not advise anyone to decide that corporal punishment can be used on their adult sons.

The word na'ar does not mean a female child. So, technically to follow these verses literally a parent can strike their male children but not their daughters. I do not read that certain extreme fundamentalist sites differentiate between male and female children.

The Old Testament has many laws that Christians no longer follow. For example, modern Orthodox Jews use salting or broiling to ensure that meat is free of blood. Some Orthodox Jews consider rare meat unkosher. Lev 19:19 seems to indicate that we should not have the different varieties of cattle that farmers have available today(no interbreeding of cattle), use two kinds of seed in our fields or wear a garment that is a mix to two different materials. Who decided that the book of Proverbs is more applicable to modern Christians then any other book in the Bible? I didn't get the notice that I could ignore Leviticus but had to uphold Proverbs. On what grounds has this been decided?

If we are going to use the Old Testament as a guide shouldn't we read it as the ancient Jewish people did? I came across an interesting article on The Jewish Virtual LIbrary. It states that:

The Oral Law is a legal commentary on the Torah, explaining how its commandments are to be carried out. Common sense suggests that some sort of oral tradition was always needed to accompany the Written Law, because the Torah alone, even with its 613 commandments, is an insufficient guide to Jewish life.

And....

Strangely enough, the Oral Law today is a written law, codified in the Mishna and Talmud. Orthodox Judaism believes that most of the oral traditions recorded in these books dates back to God's revelation to Moses on Mount Sinai. When God gave Moses the Torah, Orthodoxy teaches, He simultaneously provided him all the details found in the Oral Law

Apparently ancient Jews were not Bible Alone believers. They translated the meaning of scriptures through their oral traditions. In order to know what God meant by certain Old Testament scriptures shouldn't Christians study both the Mishna and Talmud or at least ask a Orthodox Rabbi for his opinion?

Please understand that I am not putting down any one who spanks. My concern is not with corporal punishment. I am worried at the fact that some fundamentalists sites are using scare tactics and a distorted view of the Bible to push parents into following their methods. It bothers me that some parents claim to be following the "Biblical " method for child raising, which means that anyone who chooses to parent differently is ignoring the Bible. I don't want parents to be guilted into following a method that might be bad for their families.

On Silliness And Pearl

My husband and I have always been a bit goofy with our kids. We both are just naturally silly people. One of our sons once described us as a ‘jokative family.” Bad English aside, I believe that he was correct. We are sometimes a pretty goofy family. I used to get my sons to eat noodles by helping them pretend the pasta was really worms. Yes, very sick but my boys loved the whole grossness of pretending to eat something wiggly.

Imagine my surprise when-while looking for herbal information-I came across these words:

A silly boy is disgusting and repulsive, because he is the antithesis of all that is attractive in a male. There is no age at which silliness is normal. It is in all circumstances inappropriate. How many times have you heard people say it, “Don’t be silly”? All of my readers could mimic the tone at which it is always uttered—a hurried, dismissive, embarrassment, carrying a presumption that it is out of place and most unbecoming.

At first I thought that I had wandered into one of those brilliant satires like The Onion. No.....Michael Pearl is serious.

Of course, parents should teach their children that there are times to be funny and moments to be serious. Learning how to behave in various sitiuation is part of growing up. I am not certain why being occasionally goofy is the "antithesis of all that is attractive in a male." Many of the men that I admire most, including my wonderful husband, can be real goofballs sometimes.

I was in grade school in the fifties and started high school in 1959. I don’t remember any really silly boys, not like today’s crowd of them.

Although No Greater Joy is located in Tennessee, I can't help but wonder if Michael Pearl isn't a transplant. Most southerners that I know enjoy a good belly laugh. The older people, especially those who have undergone hardships, are sometimes the funniest. Humor in the face of tribulation seems to be a southern trait.

One of the toughest women that I have ever known was my Grandmother. We called her Nanny. She had survived the depression, a very abusive, alcoholic husband, poverty and my mother’s mental disorder. Yet through it all she maintained a sense of humor that helped her cope with her life. Her ability to be silly and funny made her strong. It helped her to view life, not as a victim, but as a survivor.

Once, after my three year old son, Joshua, had asked her to draw a dog, Nan decided to tease her younger sister, Avo. Drawing an ugly picture of a horrible creature she labeled it with her sister’s name. She instructed Joshua to give it to his great aunt but to make certain that she knew it was from Annie (my grandmother). Poor 70 year old, Avo, was innocently crocheting on the couch when her little nephew brought her the crude drawing. Looking across the room at my grandmother, she yelled, “Annie, what is wrong with you?” Both women burst into loud laughter. My great aunt wasn’t offended at her big sister.


Silliness can only exist in a responsibility vacuum. A man (or boy) who is given responsibilities and is committed to performing his duty will never be silly. Where there is self-respect, there will be sobriety and dignity.

My husband actually got angry at this statement. One of the duties of my husband and his coworkers is the protection of certain weapons systems and personal, although their main job is meterology. Yet,according to my husband, the men and women that he works with can get pretty silly at times. It is because these soldiers have a lot of responsibility that they have a need to blow off steam by joking around.

Daddy and his friends will respond to foolishness like they would a cat licking its XXX.

Could someone explain what the above statement means? Is Michael Pearl being silly? I didn't know that most men had a problem with cats cleaning their privates beyond amazment.(think Puss in Boots on Shrek) I have to admit, when our male siamese would throw his leg up, bend his head over and begin to purr, I would leave the room so he could have privacy. I always felt that I was watching cat porn when our he cleaned himself. Yuck. But what any of that has to do with little boys being silly and the reaction of their fathers is beyond me.

In fact there is a lot in the article that doesn't connect to the main subject of the article-boys silliness. Most of us worry about the effect of Hollywood on our children. Although we still have tv, we no longer have cable in our house. Until we can get cable channels a la cart, and don't have to pay for the junk channels, my hubby and I have decided to have it disconnected. Michael Pearl though connects the junk on tv with, what he seems to consider, a new problem of boys being silly.

It is not the kids sitting zombie like in front of the television who are creative and energetic enough to figure out exactly which joke will gross out their siblings. Its the kids digging in the dirt, enteracting with their friends and being outdoors who come up with new ways to make one another laugh.

I would also like to point out that Pearl, by his own admission, is a child of the fifties and was a young man in the sixties. Considering that his generation brought us hippies and public unrest, maybe we could have avoided all that if young kids during the 1950's had been allowed to make a few fart jokes. LOL (Sorry, I am being silly LOL)

I began by saying that silly boys are public proof of a father’s neglect and of a mother’s indulgence. I have addressed the father’s responsibility. Now, please sit down, mothers. When a son is over-indulged by his mother, and criticized by his sisters, he will be silly

This didn't offend me so much as amuse me. I think that I am a bit more strict then my hubby and Russ is very involved with our children. He's always been a hands on dad. Plus my daughters adore their big brothers.

I am guessing also that Pearl wouldn't approve of our watching The Holy Grail with our kids. Mmmmm.....Our family-even little Sarah-quotes the movie. On second thought lets NOT go to Camelot,(Russ and Deb's house) tis a silly place.-King Arthur

Admittedly, Pearl does give good advice about parents being involved with their kids, giving them chores, helping them learn skills that appeal to them, teaching them to be independent etc...But the fact that he mixes sound counsel and common sense with some very bad parenting advice, fear mongering and psychobable as to why children, boys, are silly, actually makes the article worse.

Here is a link to the article-in case you missed my first link-http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/child-training/boys/article-display/archive/2008/june/05/silly-boys/

Check it out for yourselves.